Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
