I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
