Swine flu is the new snow day.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
