You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
