Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
