just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize