The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
