I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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