I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
