she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize