i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
