You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
