The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
