I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
