Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
