I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
