So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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