im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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