I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Holy shit dude........stairs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
