Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
