does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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