when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
