Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
