Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
