After last night, I could never be a politician.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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