thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
