Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
