I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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