you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
