if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
