Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
