sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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