We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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