he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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