She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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