it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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