youre lurking in front of me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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