is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Randomize
