I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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