I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This toilet bowl is my home.
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