It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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