The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
