i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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