I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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