I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
