Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
