I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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