What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
