It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
