you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
