I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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