I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
