There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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