thus making me awesome and them whores
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
