fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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