I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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