How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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