farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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