I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk is not a location!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
